Giraffes, Bears, and Periods, Oh My!
by omnidestruction5678
Summary: Side fic to A Win is a Win. Inspired by Anchorman. The first step of womanhood is a special thing, well it would be if Wendy didn't have to deal with it with the clueless guys of FT, bears, and giraffes. At least Natsu is there being the voice of reason. Yeah, she's doomed. Natsux Wendy, NatsuxWendy, Ultear, Meredy, and Erza. OOCness, slight yuri, NPH Laxus and crack. Oneshot.


Okay, welcome to the story. Right off the bat, there will be oocness, dirty humor, and some offensive jokes. This story is probably going to turn some guys (and girls?) on, and may send other screaming for their sanity. Also, so that everyone will know, the Laxus that will be portrayed in my story will be asshole Laxus from pre-Tenrou Island Arc. Reason why, yeah, Laxus was an asshole, but he was still pretty entertaining for an asshole, and a pretty good foil to Natsu and the guild. Also, asshole Laxus reminds me of Neil Patrick Harris from Harold and Kumar, who I based Laxus character on for this fic.

Anyway, I do not own anything in this fan fiction, from the characters to some of the jokes.

Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

Our story begins inside Fairy Tail guild. On this day, the women of the guild decided to head out for a spa day, leaving Wendy and the men behind. The reason Wendy stayed behind was to train with Natsu. The reason the men stayed behind was to have stimulating, intellectual, conversation about life, love, and freedom.

"Look, I'm just saying, if a chick get her clit pierced, she should be willing to do anal."

That would be true if Laxus wasn't there.

"Laxus," started Freed, "One, that is insanely offensive. Two, that doesn't make any sense."

"Like hell it don't, think about; women can go and get their nipples and clit pierced, spend up to 24 hours in labor, and push eight pounds of human flesh out of their vagina, but when you ask them to take it up the backdoor; oh I can't, that dirty, it would hurt too much, Laxus I am not letting you shove a gerbil up my butt."

"I…I don't know what to say to that." stuttered Freed, slightly horrified by what he just heard.

This was Fairy Tail in its finest. Guys sitting around, talking shit, and having the weirdest conversation that side of Magnolia.

Yep, nothing out of the ordinary.

Until the door was burst open by a frantic Natsu with Carla and Happy on his shoulders, carrying a pale Wendy in his arm.

"Wendy is dying!"

"WHAT!"

Yep, nothing out of the ordinary, but let's rewind for a few hours.

* * *

Start Flashback:

Along the outskirts of Magnolia:

Natsu grinned as he brushed offed the wind-empowered punch from his fellow dragon-slayer Wendy Marvell. After the Grand Magic Games, with Fairy Tail taking the number one spot from Sabretooth after a final battle between Sting and Natsu, with Natsu taking the win, the guild found themselves actually having time to rest and relax.

During that time, Wendy came to Natsu to ask him to help her train in hand to hand combat, an area she severely lacks at.

This led to them currently fighting each other in a training field outside of the city while their exceeds sat on the sidelines watching.

"Nice punch, Wendy. Brace yourself because here I come." said Natsu as he charged Wendy.

Wendy quickly began evasive maneuvers, using her height and lithe body to dance around Natsu punches. She quickly stepped to side, avoiding another punch, causing Natsu to overextend and lose his balance.

"_Here's my chance!" _thought Wendy as Natsu began to tilt, and quickly throw a wind-powered punch at the back of Natsu head, not enough to knock him out, but enough to leave a knot in his head.

Unfortunately, Wendy couldn't see the grin on Natsu face. Natsu knew Wendy was evasive and just throwing punches would not hit her. He also knew that when he left her an opening she would take it. The problem was that Natsu intentionally left her an opening, so that when she tried to hit him, he would retaliate first.

Putting his plan into action, Natsu stuck his hands out and turned his fall into a crouching handstand. This caused Wendy to miss her punch and leave herself open, which Natsu took advantage of by kicking his legs out, catching Wendy in the stomach. The force behind his kick was enough to lift Wendy off her feet and sending her flying through the air, before she landed ungracefully on the ground in a heap.

"WENDY!" screamed Carla, as she ran over to check on her surrogate daughter.

"Jeez, Natsu. Overkill much!" joked Happy, as he walked over to his father.

"Shut up, Happy!" yelled Natsu as he ran over to check on Wendy, who a frantic Carla was currently fretting over.

The exceed only stopped fretting over Wendy to glare hatefully at Natsu, "I knew I shouldn't have let her train with a ruffian like you. I knew it, but no, I let her train with you and now she is a heap on the ground. Let me tell you something you pink hair bastard! If she doesn't wake up from this, you are going to find smelly presents in your shoes for the rest of your life!"

Natsu gulped as he kneeled beside Wendy and began to shake her shoulders, "Wake up, Wendy!"

"Natsu, Natsu, Natsu." tsked Happy, as he walked over and stood calmly on Wendy's chest, "That's not how you wake someone up, this is. WAKE UP WENDY!" screamed Happy as he began to repeatedly smacking Wendy across the face.

"Hmm." thought Happy, ignoring the looks of shock and horror across his friend's faces, "Looks like I am going to have to step it up a notch. Natsu, I am going to need a pipe, some matches, and gorilla urine!"

"Why do you nee-"

"Natsu, don't question me! I am a doctor!"

"You're a blue cat!"

"A blue cat who worked too hard and too long in medical school for a racist like you to disregard my medical degree, look here." said Happy as he pulled a piece of paper out of his knapsack and handed it to Natsu.

Natsu quickly read the paper, "Happy! This is written in crayon… and who's Dr. Zoidberg?"

"Someone that tastes delicious with butter! Now where is my gorilla urine?!"

"Enough, I am not letting you manhandle Wendy, you diseased, ridden, ruffian!" screamed Carla as she tackled Happy and began to beat him.

Natsu watched the two exceeds wrestle until he felt a light grip on his hand. He looked down to see an awake, but pale Wendy holding his hand.

"Natsu… I don't feel so good."

Before Natsu could question her, a scent reached his nose.

The scent of blood.

Flashback end.

* * *

The men quickly cleared a table and had Natsu lay Wendy down on it, as they franticly began questioning Natsu on what happened.

"We were sparring and I kicked Wendy in the stomach and she started bleeding!"

Freed looked at Natsu as he tried to discover where Wendy was bleeding from.

"Did you see any bruising on the stomach to indicate internal bleeding?"

Natsu blushed as he tugged at his scarf, "She's not bleeding from her stomach."

"Did she cough up blood?"

Natsu blushed again and shook his head.

"Damn it Natsu, Wendy's life is on the line! Where is she bleeding from?"

Natsu face turned redder before he pointed at Wendy.

Freed frowned as he followed Natsu finger to Wendy.

Or more specifically, where his finger was pointing at.

"_What… why is Natsu pointing at Wendy's private area? I doubt they have that kind of relationship, and that leaves_…"

Freed's eyes widen as realization dawned on him.

His analysis complete, he turned back to his fellow men that waited anxiously for news on Wendy situation.

"Everything is okay," started Freed, "Wendy is not dying, she's is only beginning the steps to become a young woman."

Everyone stared blankly at Freed.

"She is beginning to blossom into a beautiful, adult, woman."

More stares.

"She is finally coming out of her cocoon.

More stares with an odd blink every now and then.

"I'm surrounded by idiots." Freed mumbled." Wendy is having her first period."

"Oooooooh."

"Wait, Natsu kicked Wendy in the stomach and gave her a period!" Gajeel quickly began to back away from Natsu, "Dear Kami, what kind of monster are you!?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Natsu.

Gajeel eyed Natsu warily, "I'm talking about what kind of fucked-up magic do you possess that cause people to bleed out of their genitals when you hit them?"

"Are you trying to say that it's my fault Wendy is having her period?" roared Natsu.

"Well," started Gray, "Wendy was ok when she left with you, but when she came back she is sick and having her first period after you kicked her."

"That doesn't make it my fault!"

"The proof is right in front us!" yelled Gajeel, pointing an accusing finger at Natsu, " For all we know, you could have been trying to kick us with your evil magic and make up bleed from our dicks when we spar against you."

"Natsu! Making little girls and men bleed from the genitals is not manly Natsu! Not manly at all!"

"I know I had to keep my eye on you, you dick-kicking, fire-eating, bastard!"

"Fuck you guys! This is not my fault!"

"Come on you guys," said Freed, the only voice of reason in the entire guild at the moment, "Women have their periods at any time between the early ages of 10 to the age of 14, it is perfectly natural and I highly believe that Natsu did not cause Wendy's period to start."

Now, at this moment, Laxus finally started to pay attention.

"Wait a second," said Laxus, "Wendy having a period! Oh god, we're all going to die!"

What are you talking about Laxus?" asked Gray.

Laxus scowled at Wendy as he started to lock the doors to the guild. "I'm talking about how that blue-haired fiend will spell the end of all of us when the bears and giraffes get here."

"Hey, you don't talk about Wendy like that!" yelled Natsu, with Carla nodding her head in agreement.

"You fool, the bears and giraffes are going to come and destroy us. Haven't you heard, bears can smell periods, women menstruation attract bears. Especially women's first periods. Not just any bears, Russian dancing bears, which will beat you up and do Russian line dances across your body. And it won't just be the bears, they'll bring giraffes, giraffes that have been trained to head butt people. Do you want to be head-butted by a giraffe!?"

"I don't want to be head-butted by a giraffe!" cried Bickslow.

"Being head-butted by a giraffe is not manly!" yelled Elfman.

"Laxus, what do we do?" asked Jet.

"I'm glad you asked; dude who is only used to fill character space, becoming useless the moment Levy started dating Gajeel." Jets sank into a suicidal depression hearing Laxus words, "Now listen up chumps, if we are going to survive, you all must do as I say. Understood?" Everyone nodded. "Good, now this is what's going to happen, I am going to use this battle-axe," Laxus pulled said battle-axe from behind his back, "to kill Wendy. Then we will cover the building with her blood, warding off the bears and giraffes."

"Question," started Gray, "Where did you get a battle-axe from?"

"I'm Laxus; does that answer your question?"

"For some odd reason, yes."

"Good." Laxus proceeded to walk over to a cowering Wendy, "Okay Wendy, how do you want to be butchered, straight line down the middle, or horizontal cuts down your body?"

Wendy could only whimper in fear of the battle-axe in Laxus hand.

"I'll take your whimpering as going with option number 2. Good choice, now… BATTLE-AXE!"

Wendy screamed as Laxus hauled the battle-axe above his head before bring it down, the blade screaming for blood.

It would have gotten said blood if it was not stopped by a flame-coated hand.

Wendy breathed a sigh of relief as her personal hero, Natsu, saved her life.

Said hero glared heatedly at Laxus as he melted the blade of the battle-axe, leaving it as a stick.

"I don't care if we are attacked by bears and giraffes drawn to Wendy, I am not letting you kill Wendy." declared Natsu as he pushed Laxus back.

Wendy couldn't help but swoon when Natsu turned around and gave her a wink.

Laxus growled as he stared at his not bladeless battle-axe, "Natsu, you… do you know how long it took me to get a battle-axe? It took 100 cereal box tops and you destroyed it" Laxus took this moment to wipe away a few tears from his eye."You dick!"

Natsu shrugged, "I don't care. I'm not letting you kill Wendy. Beside who died and made you guild leader."

"Gramps after his prostate cancer enters its third stage."

"What?"

"Never mind. Look Natsu, sometimes in life we have to make hard choices. Sometimes these choices involve us murdering little girls and coating buildings in their blood to keep bears and giraffes from head-butting you and dancing across your body. Haven't you ever had to make a choice like that?"

"….No."

"AND THAT IS WHY YOU FAIL!" yelled Laxus, "Everyone listen up, nearly an hour has passed since Wendy was brought in and I know that bears and giraffes are insanely fast. That means that if we don't get Wendy's blood on these wall in the next 20 minutes, we will be over run by dancing, Russian, bears, and head-butting giraffes. We have to do this the old fashion way, everybody grab a weapon and lets have us a good ol lynching."

The men looked around and shrugged before grabbing various items around the guild and fashioned them into weapons.

"Are you kidding me!? Gray, Gajeel, Elfman, Freed; are you guys really going to go through with this?"

"Sorry Natsu, but Laxus may have something with this." said Gray as he used his ice magic to make a pair of nun chucks.

"It is not manly to have Russian bears dance across my body Natsu." said Elfman as he transformed his arm into a metal bull leg.

"I seriously have nothing better to do." said Gajeel as his arm transformed in a metal chainsaw.

"I'll do anything for Laxus." said Freed.

"I always wanted to take part in a lynching." said Bickslow.

Natsu felt like pulling his hair out, "Are you guys shitting me, right now I am the voice of reason, me, Natsu Dragneel, the guy who goes and kicks reason in the face!"

Laxus nodded as he pulled out a pair of brass knuckles with the word 'Laxus' engraved in them before assuming a fighting stance, "Natsu, give us the girl and nobody gets hurt."

"Don't worry Natsu, I got your back." said Happy as he put his fists up…from behind Natsu and Wendy.

"Thanks Happy." sighed Natsu as he positioned himself between Laxus and his gang and Wendy.

The scene in the guild would remind those who saw it of a Mexican standoff. Both sides waiting for the moment to come, when the gong would sound, and the battle would begin.

The only sound that filled the guild was the sound of a doorknob being rattled.

Laxus gasped, "Oh no, the bears and giraffes are here."

"Shit!" cursed Gajeel, "Quick, maybe we can give Wendy to them!"

Everyone turned to grab Wendy only to notice that Wendy, Natsu, and the exceeds use the moment of distraction to get away.

"Crap! They escaped! What do we do now?" screamed Bickslow as the commotion at the door grew louder.

Laxus frowned before turning back to his group, "Men, the bears and the giraffes are here. They are coming to head-butt us and dance across our bodies, but before we let them do that, I say we fight back. We throw are strongest spell at them and let them know, no Mr. Giraffe I do not want to be head-butted. No, Mr. Bear, you cannot use my body as a dance floor for your disco party."

Laxus then jumped onto a table to continue his speech.

"Men, when that door open, we shall use are strongest attacks to push back the bears and giraffes. We will let them know that we will not be beaten, and when they say, in their bear and giraffe voices; this is madness! We will look at them and say Madness, THIS IS FAIRY TAIL!"

"Hoorah!" roared the men, as they stood beside Laxus and collected their magic.

Laxus gulped as the door began to give way.

"Now men!"

"Iron Dragon's Roar"

"Ice Make: Cannon"

"Lightning Dragon's Road"

"UNISON RAID!" roared Elfman, Bickslow, and Freed as they combined their magic into a beam of energy combining with the ice, metal and lightning fusing together into an attack of pure awesomeness, colliding with the group standing in the doorway.

When the smoke cleared, Laxus was finally able to see what they had hit.

Or more like, who they hit.

Standing in the middle of the devastation was the women of Fairy Tail.

Scratch that, the _very, angry_, women of Fairy Tail.

"My clothes." cried Lucy, as she clutched at the remains of her clothes that barely covered her modesty.

"My hair." whispered Mirajane, as she frantically tried to untangle the knots out of her now soot covered, frazzled, hair.

"Oh this is not good." said Freed, while the other men nodded.

"Laxus." growled Erza as she requipped into her Purgatury armor.

"Okay, girls. I know this is bad but the only reason this happened was because Wendy had her first period and she wouldn't let us sacrifice her to appease the bears and giraffes."

"Wait a second." said Cana, "Wendy had her first period and instead of supporting her, you tried to kill her to appease bears and giraffes?" as she slipped some of her cards into her hands.

"Yeah, thats pretty much the story in a nutshell."

By this point, the women had already either summoned their strongest creatures or transformed into their strongest magic.

"Anyone last words, Laxus." growled Erza as her grip tightened on her weapon.

"Yes, I have two. When you hit me, aim for the neck down, my face is my money maker. Two, I REGRET NOTHING!" screamed Laxus, accompanied by the screams of the men as the women began their attack.

* * *

In the Fairy Tail Girls Dorm:

Wendy sighed contently as Natsu tucked her into her bed, making sure she was comfortable.

"How are you feeling Wendy?" asked Natsu

Wendy smiled, "I am feeling a lot better now, thank you for saving me today Natsu."

Natsu grinned, "No problem Wendy, it was pretty easy getting you out when Laxus made his big speech."

Natsu quickly did one more check of the room to make sure Wendy would have everything she would need, since Carla disappeared with Happy. Satisfied, Natsu made his way to the window to make his departure, before he hesitated.

Wendy, noticing his hesitation, was about to ask him what was wrong when he did the one thing Wendy was not expecting.

Natsu quickly walked over to Wendy bed and kissed her on the cheek.

Blushing, Natsu quickly made his way back to the window, "I'll see you tomorrow Wendy." before jumping out the window and heading back to his home.

Face red as a tomato, Wendy squeaked a replay as her secret crush took off.

"_He kissed me! He really kissed me! It was on the cheek, but it was still a kiss!_" Wendy smiled happily recalling the moment.

"But… I'm only 14, Natsu is 19. We can't do anything with are age difference now. What if somebody steps in and tries to steal Natsu from me."

Wendy frowned as she looked at her non-existent chest. Even though she was beginning her transformation into a beautiful women, and from how her edo self looked, a smoking hot woman at that. The problem was, could she wait until she grew into that beautiful woman.

"I can't wait that long! Not with women like Erza around Natsu!" Wendy frowned as she recalled Erza behavior around Natsu. You would have to be blind not to notice how the queen of Fairies would act around Fairy Tail Dragon Slayer. From the subtle peaks at Natsu when he would stretch without wearing a shirt. Or the blush that would come to her face when Natsu would ask her for his shirt, which he asked her to hold, only for her to say she lost it.

"_Lost it my foot."_ Frowned Wendy, "_More like tearing it into tiny pieces so that Natsu would be forces to walk around shirtless. Don't even get me started on their "sparring", more like her finding a reason to grope Natsu."_

Her mind made up, Wendy stood from her bed and left her room.

She was a woman on a mission.

Kami help anybody who tried to stop her.

* * *

Meanwhile, Back at Fairy Tail:

Laxus groaned as he tried to lift himself from the crater the women left him and the other men in. After curb-stomping those six ways to Sunday, the girls left to return to their dorm.

As he pulled himself to the top of the crater, Laxus let out a sigh of relief until he noticed what was standing in from of him.

A giraffe.

A giraffe with a bear riding on its back.

A bear with a Russian hat on its head.

And flanking the giraffe was ten other giraffes with Russian bears on their backs.

Laxus could only stare as the bears growled to each other.

"_**Brusko, I smell period, but I don't see girl with period**__."_

"_**I know, and there is no blood on the building to ward us off.**_"

"_**Well, there are people here, how about we beat them up and dance across their bodies.**_"

"_**DISCO, DISCO,GOOD,GOOD**_!"

Laxus sighed as the bear motioned for the giraffe to rear its head back.

"I REGRET NOTHING!" he roared before the giraffe head butted Laxus, sending him back into the crater with the bears and giraffes following, head-butting and dancing along the way.

* * *

In Crime Sorciere:

Ultear, Meredy, and Jellal were happy. They finally had a free day from hunting down dark guilds and were doing normal things.

Meredy happily painted her toenails pinks as Ultear and Jellal argued.

"For the last time Jellal, you can not dress up as Batman to hunt criminals." screamed Ultear.

"But I already have the cowl, I just have to order the armor." reasoned Jellal, while wearing a Batman cowl.

"That thing is ridiculous!"

"No its not, I'm the goddamn Batman! Fear the night!" said Jellal, as he raised his cape to cover his face menacingly.

Or he would have if the door the guild was not just blown down by a powerful gust of wind.

The members of Crime Sorciere couldn't help but gape at the figure standing in the door threshold.

The figure was Wendy Marvell.

Correction, Dragon Force Wendy Marvell.

Wendy decided to get right to the point and said two words.

"Boobs. NOW!"

* * *

The next day at Fairy Tail:

"Look, I'm just saying, that slavery might not have been that bad."

Erza did a double take, surely being mistaken in hearing what Laxus just said, "I'm sorry Laxus, could you repeat that?"

"Think about, you get food, water, shelter, and people to watch over you. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me."

"What about the abuse and torture?"

"Two words. Free. Labor"

Before Erza could unsheathe her sword to remove Laxus's tongue from his mouth. The doors to the guild opened and in step a woman.

A very hot woman.

The woman wore a tight blue shirt, which clung to her wonderful breast leaving her toned stomach bare. She wore a pair of white daisy dukes, displaying her smooth tone legs, further emphasized by the 4-inch heels she wore.

Every single male jaw hit the ground as she strutted into the room.

They watched as she walked to a stunned Natsu and sat down in his lap, giving him a gentle smile.

Before Natsu could speak, his mind finally started working again and began to piece together the identity of the mystery woman. The first thing his mind notice was the blue hair. Blue hair that only a few woman he knew possessed.

That being Juvia, Levy, and…

"Holy crap! Wendy!"

"WENDY!" echoed the guild.

Yep my dear readers, Wendy had Ultear perform her time magic on her, aging her four years into a beautiful, 18 year old.

Wendy smiled as she wrapped her arm around Natsu's neck and snuggled into his lap, grinning when she saw Natsu blush.

"Hey Natsu." Wendy whispered into his ear, "You know, after going through the aging process, I am still getting used to my new body. How about me and you go out and train, and you can explore my body _intimately_,"

"Wendy…h-how…y-you." Natsu mind was beginning to melt, something that would happen to any man with a beautiful woman in their lap whispering sweet nothings of forbidden pleasure in their ear.

"I think he liiiiiiikes her!" called Happy from his table with Carla and Pantherlily.

"Geez, Natsu always get hot girls to surround him, first Erza, then Lucy, and now Wendy. What does he got that I don't got?" asked Gajeel, receiving nods from his fellow men.

"A girl that is interested in him!" growled Levy as she stormed out of the guild after hearing Gajeel outburst.

"Wait! Levy! I didn't mean it like that!" cried Gajeel as he chased after his love out of the guild.

Wendy shrugged as she watched the couple leave, "Anyway, let's get out of here Natsu." as she grabbed his hand and began to lead him out of the guild."

Until…

"HI-HO SILVER! AWAY!"

"I AM NOT A HORSE!"

BOOM!

The members of Fairy Tail scrambled for cover as a bright light crashed through the roof before slamming into the floor.

As the light died down, it revealed a smiling Meredy, a frazzled Ultear, sitting atop Jellal's back, who landed face first into the ground.

"Wow!" exclaimed Meredy, "That was fun! We should do it again sometime!" casually hopping off of the unconscious Jellal's back, Meredy searched the room for her target, before she finally spotted him.

"Natsu!" she called cheerfully, skipping over to his side and pushing Wendy off of his lap. "I have been looking for you everywhere!"

"Uh, do I know you?"

"How many people other than you do you know with pink hair?"

"Pink hair, hmm… wait a second, Meredy! That's your name right!"

Meredy grinned as she hugged Natsu "Yep! I know my boyfriend couldn't possibly forget his girlfriend's name!"

"BOYFRIEND!" screamed Erza, Wendy, and Ultear; who finally managed to gather her wits.

"Meredy!" scolded Ultear, "You are not old enough to have a boyfriend, especially one like Natsu!"

"Says who?" scowled Meredy.

"Says your mother!" responded Ultear, "Now get away from him this instant!"

"No way! I had a crush on Natsu since I first laid eyes on him! I have to stake my claim now, especially with certain dragon-slayers aging themselves so they can steal him first!" said Meredy, glaring at Wendy, who glared right back.

"Wait a second!" said Lucy, "You mean Wendy went and aged herself so she can start dating Natsu!"

Meredy nodded, "Yep! Ol blue girl over there came to are guild, beat the crap out of Jellal, and force momma to age her to an 18 year old."

"Wait a second, Wendy beat up Jellal!" asked Natsu, looking at Wendy, who had the decency to blush,"Nice! High five Wendy!"

Wendy blushed deepened as her crush praised her, "It was no big deal Natsu. I just hit him in the balls and beat him up while he was down."

"Hmm. Deadly, yet effective. Great job!"

"Anyway!" started Meredy, drawing Natsu attention back to her, "During the fight, she managed to destroy our guild, so I think it would only be fitting if we moved in with you guys for a bit, I am certain I could share a room, maybe even a bed, with Natsu."

"Like hell you are!" shouted Wendy, "How did you all get here anyway?"

"I turned Jellal into my personal horse, had him cast Meteor, then steered him here." Meredy took that moment to glance at the unconscious Jellal, who now had blood running down his face, "I guess I have to work on my steering and landing."

"Um guys." Said Lisanna, looking over Jellal unconscious body, "I really think Jellal could use some help."

"I have had enough of this!" growled Ultear, currently ignoring Lisanna and Jellal, "I have been threaten by a 14-year-old, dragged kicking and screaming by my 18-year-old daughter, and now I hear her trying to hook up with a no-good, run-of-the-mill, dragon wannabe! Meredy! We are going to go home right now!"

Ultear then stomped over to Meredy and grabbed her arm and began to pull.

"I must agree." said Erza, "This is quite inappropriate behavior. Especially for a girl like you Wendy. Wearing those clothes and hitting on Natsu. Have you no shame?"

Wendy scoffed, "As if you can talk!"

Everybody in Fairy Tail mouth dropped.

Wendy Marvell, sweet-innocent Wendy Marvell, just talked back to Erza Scarlett.

"Put 100 rubies on Erza sticking her hand down Wendy's throat and pulling her heart out." whispered Laxus to Cana, who had already made a betting pool on how Erza would kill Wendy.

While it may sound cruel, everybody knew that you never talked back to Erza.

**EVER!**

"Excuse me?" said Erza, not sure if she heard Wendy right.

"You say what I am wearing is shameful, this is coming from a woman who spends most of her time fighting people in the skimpiest armor ever made."

"That's not-"started Erza but Wendy interrupted her.

"And let's not forget about your 'special' training you have with Natsu, where you wear your seduction armor and have Natsu practice grappling moves on you."

"Hey, that training is really good!" exclaimed Natsu, "I learned that if I get in a fight with a woman and I gently rub her breast the right way, she'll-"

"QUIET NATSU!" screamed a red face Erza.

"Wait a second." said Makarov as he popped up beside Natsu. He proceeded to pull up a chair in front of Natsu, motioned for Mirajane to bring him a beer, and nodded at Natsu "Please continue."

"And there is also this!" and with that announcement, Wendy did the one thing that caused every male in Fairy Tail, even Natsu, to have a nosebleed.

She ripped open Erza white button up shirt, displaying her lacy bra holding her womanly gift for the world to see, before sticking her hand into Erza's cleavage.

* * *

In a land far away, a certain white haired pervert froze, knowing that something wonderful has just happened.

* * *

Gajeel, who managed to convince Levy to come back to the guild with him, walked in at this exact moment, before nodding sagely, "Best. Guild. Ever." receiving a nod from all of the men in the room.

"Question, would anyone mind if I masturbate to this?" asked Laxus. Noticing the shocked looks on everyone face, Laxus continued, "I'll take your shocked expression as a go ahead."

"NO!"

"Fine, jeez, a man try to enjoy himself watching some girl-on-girl action and no, that inappropriate. You guys are just like the nuns from that church who were doing baptism wearing white gowns."

"Laxus, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" roared Elfman, "There is hot girl-on-girl action and we can't enjoy the moment with you talking your usual shit. It is not manly to interrupt other men watching hot lesbian action."

"You know what, you're right Elfman. I formerly apologize for my interruption of such a beautiful moment, please, let us all sit down and enjoy this sight."

Nodding in agreement, the men quickly joined Makarov in sitting around Erza and Wendy.

Remember readers, men will always come together to watch lesbian action.

Mirajane sighed at the stupidity of her male guild members, when she noticed something odd, "Freed, why aren't you over there?"

Freed shrugged, "That kind of stuff doesn't interest me."

Mirajane put a finger to her chin in thought, "That odd, Natsu and Laxus just started an oiled wrestling match."

"REALLY! WHERE'S MY CAMERA!" screamed Freed as he began to search frantically for a camera to document the event that didn't even occur.

Correction, almost all men will come together for lesbian action.

After spending a few minutes in Erza's marvelous cleavage, Wendy pulled out an orange book.

"Ah ha! Here is the proof that you are not so innocent yourself! This is Icha Icha, but not just any Icha Icha, the older sister, younger brother edition."

"Wow, Erza reads porn! For some reason, that doesn't surprise me as much as I thought it would." said Cana.

Erza face was as red as her hair by this point, "So? What's your point?"

"My point is that for every instance of the older sister name, it has been scratched out and replaced with Erza. For every instance of the younger brother name, it has been replace with Natsu! How about I read a few chapters:

_Erza-nee-chan, I have a date with Sakura from school, but I don't know how to kiss a girl._

_Don't worry Natsu-otouto, I can teach you,_

_But nee-chan, what if mom and dad catch us?_

_We'll just say it was an accident. Now, don't you trust your nee-chan?_

_Yeah._

_Good, now lets skip the small stuff and go straight to how to pleasure a woman! First-_

"THAT ENOUGH!" roared Erza as she snatched the book back from Wendy, a small nose bleed running down her face as she played out the scenario in her mind.

"Wow, Erza is into something really freaky stuff." whispered Gray.

"What are you talking about over there Gray?!" roared a red-eyed Erza

"Sex baby!" sang Happy "Let's talk about Aack!" or at least until Erza threw a dagger his way, a millimeter off from piercing his head.

"You see!" cried Ultear, as she tried to pull Meredy off of Natsu as she clung to his arm, "These people are insane and I will not let you be corrupted by them!"

"But I have to be with Natsu, I love him!"

"You barely talk to him!"

He has pink hair, I have pink hair. WE'RE SOUL MATES!"

Trying to push Ultear away, Meredy hand caught Ultear shirt and with a solid grip she pushed.

This did two things.

It pushed Ultear away.

It also ripped off her shirt and bra.

Silence filled the guild.

…For two seconds.

"HOLY SHIT! She has nipple rings!" screamed Laxus.

Ultear screamed and tried to cover her chest.

"Mama, that…that's… wha?"

Ultear blushed, "I was young and going through a phase, and I made a pact with my friend Mitarashi Anko and… don't judge me!"

Laxus took this moment to step up Ultear, "So… nipple rings. Nice, but… do you do anal?"

Ultear responded by delivery a devastating uppercut to Laxus, sending him flying across the room until a table broke his fall.

"Women… nothing but hypocrites." muttered Laxus.

As the men watched, they felt something rise in their chest, and their pants. It built inside them until…

(As of right now, stop reading, go open a tab with youtube and play Stacy's mom by Fountain of Wayne, don't worry, I'll wait.)

"Meredy's Mom has got it goin' on," sang Makarov and Gildarts

"She's got it going on" joined in the rest of the men, even Natsu.

She's all I want,

And I've waited for so long,

(Waited)

Meredy can't you see,

You're just not the girl for me,

I know it might be wrong,

I'm in love with..

Meredy's Mom,

Oh-oh, oh-oh,

I'm in love with..

Meredy's Mom,

Oh-oh, oh-oh,

Wait a minute,

Meredy can't you see,

You're just not the girl for me.

I know it might be wrong,

But I'm in love with Meredy's Mom.

"Wow, did we really just do that?" asked Pantherlily.

"Yeah! That was kick ass!" agreed Gajeel

"That was very manly!" cried Elfman, receiving nods from the other men of the guild, "Hey, what is this pink bracelet on my arm? It's not very manly- augghhh!" screamed Elfman and the men of the guild except Natsu, as they felt as if their ball was ripped to shreds.

"Look at me Natsu!" called Meredy, performing a perfect split and making sure that she shared the experience with every man in the guild for the song about her mother.

"To hell with this! I made the first move so that means Natsu is mine!" roared Wendy as she grabbed his arm and held it to her chest.

"Like hell! I have been training Natsu for the longest time, being the perfect tsundere to his upbeat character! By manga laws, he's mine!" yelled Erza grabbing his other arm.

"We are pink haired soul mates! Besides after all the crap Jellal put him through, I should use my body as payment for any mental, emotional, and physical anguish Natsu may feel." screamed Meredy as she grabbed Natsu legs.

"This is insane! Meredy, Wendy, and Erza; as the voice of reason, let go of Natsu this instant." demanded Ultear, using her most fearsome weapon in her inventory.

The mom glare.

Hesitantly, the three girls let go of Natsu who quickly moved to stand beside Ultear.

"Phew, thanks Ultear. I really appreciated that." breathe Natsu.

"Wow, I didn't expect you to have enough manners to ever say thank you Natsu. It… is quite nice." said Ultear.

"Oh… it's no problem, Ultear." grinned Natsu, who couldn't help but wish he wore a shirt that day, unnerved by the appraising look Ultear had in her eye.

Ultear couldn't help herself as she shameless observe Natsu physic, taking note that he had the body of a Greek god, and he didn't have the emo attitude that Jellal had. In fact, she did consider returning to the dating world…

"Hmm, Natsu, you know maybe I was wrong about you." whispered Ultear, sliding up to Natsu and wrapping her arms around his neck, pressing her naked chest against his. "How about you and me go out for dinner, and we can get to know each other better."

"I.I…I" yeah, even a dim-witted person such as Natsu couldn't help but notice the beautiful older woman in his arms.

"_Oh, yes!_ "thought Ultear, "_I am definitely becoming a cougar, and what a prime piece of meat I have caught._" Ultear eyes widen as she felt Natsu 'rise to attention', "_Yep, definitely grade A meat_."

"Mom!" screeched Meredy, watching her mother flirt with her would be boyfriend, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh dear, I am just making sure Natsu is worthy of going out on a date with you, so me and him were going to go out for dinner."

"More like an old cow trying to seduce a bull." growled Erza.

Ultear eye twitched, "Who are you calling old, you red-haired, street rat!"

"Why you!"

"You know what, how about you three go outside and kill each other and I can stay inside and have a nice meal with Natsu?" piped in Wendy as she made her way toward Natsu, only to have Ultear pull him closer.

"How about no? Now, if you excuse us, Natsu and I are going to be on our way, and I can show Natsu how to please an older women." said Ultear, pulling Natsu along by the hand.

"Wait. Whats going on? Help! I think I'm being kidnapped! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! I need an adult!" cried Natsu.

"I am an adult! Also, I let you do me in the butt." offered Ultear as she continued dragging Natsu out of the guild.

"WHAT!" screamed Laxus, who finally recovered from his coma.

"Natsu!" cried Laxus, quickly rushing to the fire dragon slayer side, "Natsu! You go and have sex with this woman right now!"

"But I don't want too!"

"I don't care! She is a M.I.L.F, with pierced nipples, and is willing to let you travel her Hersey highway! Do you not understand man, she is the trifecta!" Laxus grasped Natsu shoulder, "Natsu, I know you look up to me as a father figure-"

"No I don't."

"And I know you think I am some kind of sex god-"

"No, I really don't."

"But I have never had an opportunity like this! Most of my sex comes from the D-rank mages of Mermaid Tail, and not the hot ones, but the fat ones, and by the fat ones, I don't mean the ones that are slightly chubby. I mean the heavily obese one, the ones that are so fat, that when I let them ride, the fat folds suffocate me. Which then led to me having to be suffocated in order to get off, which is kind of hot-"

"I'm sorry." stated a bored Ultear, "But I am currently trying to scratch an itch and I have a certain dragon slayer in my hands that can do the job."

"Anyway, Natsu, if you have sex with her; it would be like I am having sex with her. With you shove your dick inside of her; I can imagine that I am doing it, even though I know it will never happen. Anyway, Natsu I need you to do this for me! Let me live my dream through you!"

"Blah, blah, blah. Thank you very much and now if you can excuse us." started Ultear preparing to leave.

Only to be stopped by Erza.

"Listen here bitch! That there is my man! And if anybody is going to drag him away to have wild, passionate, sex with him is me!" as she pointed a sword at Ultear.

"I don't think so!" said Wendy as she activated her Dragon Force, "I just aged 4 years in the blink of an eye to be with Natsu, and I am not giving him up without a fight!"

Meredy eyes glowed pink as she summoned an array of blue, telepathic, swords. "Natsu and I are going to usher in a whole new world filled with pink, haired, children, and I refuse to let you stop me."

"Fine then, if you girls want a showdown with a real woman, I'll be happy to give you one. "said Ultear, "Wait a second! What's that!?" cried Ultear, pointing at the ceiling.

"What?" cried the girls, looking up.

Boom!

The girls turned to the spot that Ultear and Natsu were only to find them missing, and a hole in the wall.

"STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!"

"DON'T WORRY NATSU! YOU'LL BE SINGING A WHOLE DIFFERENT TUNE ONCE THIS M.I.L.F MAKES YOU A MAN!"

"She stole my man!" cried Wendy, Erza, and Meredy. "Wait, your man, he's mine!"

"We don't have time for this, let get Natsu back first, then we can kill each other!" reasoned Wendy.

Erza and Meredy frowned, before nodding.

And at that moment, the three women created a team.

The Save-Natsu-From-The-Horny-M.I.L.F team.

With one finally glance, they took off down the street.

All was silent, until the sound of clapping got everyone attention.

The source of the clapping was none other than Laxus, "Alright chumps, I don't know about you but I am going to follow that party, because from the way things are going, there is going to be some hot sex going on, consensual or nonconsensual, and I plan on watching." and Laxus took off after the group with his other mage following.

"So," started Lisanna, "We are going to just leave Jellal here in a pool of blood then or what?" pointed at the unconscious Jellal that apparently everyone forgot about.

* * *

Okay, this is the end for this story. I seriously have nowhere else to take it, so I am going to mark it as complete. Anyway, this is a side fic to my other story A Win is a Win, not sharing the same storyline, but sharing the same wackiness. Anyway, I decided for omakes that are long and I feel that I can stretch into a story, I'm just going to post it as a story. Some of the ones that I have in mind are these:

I Will Make You Epic(wait for it)dary.

The basis for this story is that Gildarts, seeking an apprentice since his friend Namikaze Minato and Shanks have sons to carry on their legacy. After being challenged by a six year old Natsu, Gildarts decides to take him on as an apprentice. It will be a long one-shot and be a Natsu harem. Some highlights are:

Natsu destroys Phantom Lord's guild with a falcon punch.

Mirajane is determined to give Natsu some.

Laxus and Natsu have a Journey moment which leads into a one-side bromance,(mostly on Laxus side) between Natsu and Laxus.

Laxus, Gajeel, and Zancrow think they are super saiyans of various forms.

Natsu theme song is Sexy and I Know it and Mirajane Theme song is Milkshake, I am still thing on a funny sexy theme for Erza.

Natsu kicks the fuck out of Jiemma, who then says he was just like Natsu, before promising Minerva to Natsu due to his epicness and Minerva is not happy.

Natsu sticks his dick in some crazy (Mainly Minerva)

Erza seems to unknowingly grope Natsu and throw in some Kamehamehas, Kaoi-kens, Fus Ro Dahs, Falcon Punches, and some sex and there you go.

Here is a sneak peek:

"Um Gajeel, I don't think this is going to work." said Levy.

"Quiet Levy!" yelled Gajeel, his black hair now dyed golden blonde, "As a super saiyan three, I will simply fly out to that battle ship, kick Hades ass, and then do more awesome super saiyan stuff."

And with that Gajeel jumped off the cliff he was on.

And feel 50 feet to the bottom.

Levy winced when she heard the crash at the bottom, "Gajeel! Are you okay?!"

"y-yeah, don't worry Levy, as a saiyan near death moments will only make me stronger. When I finally regain the feeling in my legs, Hades is getting his ass kicked!"

Levy rubbed her head in frustration, "I wonder if I can still join Natsu harem?"

* * *

The next idea is inspired Yoshizawa Narukami, basically Jiraiya decides to create a swamp, throw Natsu in it, and charge the girls money to go and hunt him down, whoever catch him can keep him for a week, here a preview, with a Wendy vs Erza battle.

Erza narrowed her eyes as she aimed her sword at the Dragon Force powered Wendy.

"Wendy, just walk away and no one will get hurt!"

Wendy growled at Erza and instead of talking she charged Erza, faster than Erza thought she could move, and nailed Erza with a wind-fueled haymaker. Erza reeled back in shock, and in retaliation, swung her sword out catching Wendy on the stomach, forcing her to fall back.

Erza eyes widened as she saw the serious cut along Wendy stomach, "Dear Kami! Wendy I'm so sorry!"

Thinking Wendy would come to her senses; Erza stared in shock as Wendy ran a finger along the blood of the rapidly healing cut, before licking it off her finger. Eyes darkening, Wendy roared before charging Erza, wind moving at tornado-like speed around her, turning her into a human sized version of a certain oranage-clad ninja from a certain show.

As Wendy neared, Erza had one thought running through her head.

She was not going to lose this fight.

Reason why, Natsu was hers and it was time for her to collect her prize in the manmade jungle.

Two, her reputationwould never recover if Wendy beat her in a fight.

* * *

Third idea, inspired by Neoshaduwz A Knight, A Fairy, and a Dragon Slayer and omake 3 from A Win is a Win. It basically continues from omake three with Natsu, Erza Scarlett, and Erza Knightwalker family and their daily interactions. The story would focus around Natsu being placed in charge of his kids soccer team against Namikaze Minato soccer team. Basically, it boils down to Natsu kids trying to scalp Sasuke, Gray getting hit in the balls, Jiraiya facing the wrath of the three red heads of legend, Scarlett, Knightwalker, and Kushina and apparently Natsu daughter deciding that Naruto will be her future husband.

Those are a few for right now but be assured, I am not dropping a Win is a Win, I am working on the next and final chapter, and it should be up soon.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the fic and feel free to drop a review; those bad boys are like acid laced candy for authors.


End file.
